


Holy FUCK

by Alex8Jenny



Series: The Claremont Chronicles [6]
Category: Claremont (RPF), Claremont Secondary
Genre: I Tried, I literally took forever on this and idk why, I pretty much gave up, I realize not everyone is involved and it's cause i have a terrible memory, Oh My God, it gets REALLY bad near the end, not gonna lie, please enjoy, the SQUAAAAAAAAD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-12 14:16:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11163582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alex8Jenny/pseuds/Alex8Jenny
Summary: UPDATED RULES LIST BITCHES





	Holy FUCK

**Author's Note:**

> sorry it gets hella horrible near the end. please excuse typos i'm tired

A week into her stay in the 'Stagecraft Fam Lmao' house, Dahlia had started getting used to the shenanigans her roommates got up to.

Well, with an emphasis on 'started to'. She was now, currently, back to square one. Square one being, 'THESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING INSANE WHAT THE FUCK'.

Dahlia had been sat happily in her room (one of which she was not going to share, because she needed to keep one safe place away from crazy), passively doodling in her sketchbook, her phone playing a song she couldn't remember the name for in the background. It was a Saturday, exactly one week since she had moved in, and classes weren't due to start for another three weeks. That meant she could focus on relaxing and preparing for another year of college, even if it was in this fucking house. Well, she could try.

A knock on the door was her first indication that her peace was about to be disturbed, if not completely obliterated. She let out a soft huff, her pencil dropping not-so gently in front of her. She took a moment, then pushed herself up from off the bed and padded over to the door. It creaked slightly when she opened it, and she was surprised to see Shannon standing seriously (though with a hint of annoyance) on the other side.

"Um... What is it?"

"Jay is holding a 'family meeting'. He says he needs everyone there, so I'm doing a sweep of the house to tell everyone to get their asses down there. So uh.... Get your ass down there." They flashed Dahlia a smile, and then moved down to the next door. Dahlia muttered an 'alright, then', stepping out into the hallway and then down the stairs. As she descended, she could hear Shannon ordering Jasper to get his ass down there, because apparently 'Jay told me specifically to get you, I know you don't want to, but bitch we gotta'. Dahlia felt for Jasper, as she knew he was fragile, but she also wondered why Jay was personally asking him to attend.

Her thoughts were put to a standstill as she entered the family room of the home. Everyone in the household (except for Shannon and Jasper) was seated either on the floor or on the couch. Jay was standing in front of everyone, his back turned away from Dahlia for a moment as he looked at something on the mantle in the back of the room. When he turned around, she could see that he was holding a sheet of paper -or was it two?- in his right hand. A smile graced his lips at the sight of Dahlia.

"Good, you've arrived." Jay gestured to the ground, "please, take a seat."

Dahlia looked to the ground, the only empty space next to Gabby. She awkwardly took the seat, smiling at Gabby, shyly, when the other smiled at her. She turned her attention back to Jay, who was looking in the doorway as Shannon and Jasper joined the group.

After they had taken a seat next to Dahlia (Shannon next to her and Jasper next to them), Jay smiled, cleared his throat, and started the meeting.

"Alright, so... After a couple of... 'events', we - I - have had to make an update to the house rules list." A series of groans rang out, most of them coming from Ethan and Abby, and Dahlia found herself very confused. She looked around the room, only to be met with faces displaying both boredom and agitation. She grew even more confused and turned her attention back to Jay.

"Yes, I know, 3rd time this month, HOWEVER, we need to make sure you guys stay in check. ALRIGHT," Dahlia noticed how Shannon and Jasper jumped at the sudden increase in volume, "sorry guys, anyway, let's start. Rule number nineteen: Absolutely, and I repeat, ABSOLUTELY no shitty 2010 Taylor Swift between 3pm and 11am. I understand that this is a very small window for you to release your inner 12 year old girl in, however, we have had many complaints ranging from bitchy gossip sessions to literal vomiting. I'm not going to name names," Jay made eye contact with Dahlia and she instantly swelled with shame, "but, please, make it stop. For the sake of everyone's sanity. Rule number twenty," Jay glanced at the sheet, "Jasper is not allowed in the kitchen without supervision. He needs an escort. Baby gates will be installed to ensure he doesn't enter without an adult."

Dahlia's eyebrows rose, her eyes flickering over to Jasper, who was curled in on himself. She wondered why he wouldn't be allowed in the kitchen alone, but then she remembered one of her first nights staying in the house. She had gotten up at 2 or 3 in the morning to get a drink of water (she was dry), and when she stumbled into the kitchen she was met with a smol child on the floor. In his lap was an entire can of hot chocolate mix, from which he was eating raw hot chocolate powder with a spoon. Dahlia couldn't believe she had forgotten this encounter, given its bizarre nature.

She nodded solemnly, suddenly understanding the new rule.

"Rule number twenty one. DO NOT, PLEASE, actually fight someone if they say 'fight me'. The last thing we need is someone complaining to the administration that they were attacked because you took them up on their offer and threw yourself at them."

"That's not fair, he literally said 'fight me' and then threw up his fists and-"

"Ethan, that's no excuse. Wait for them to attack you, then at least you can claim it was self defence. Alright, next rule," Dahlia was shook, "Rule number twenty two. When settling fights in mario kart, remember to wear the wrist strap. Jasper, remember the wrist strap." Everyone's eyes flickered to the sizeable dent in the wall next to the t.v., then to Jasper, who leaned heavily into Shannon's shoulder. Dahlia noticed that despite how embarrassed he looked, he still sported a sly smile.

Jay looked down at the paper and sighed. "As much as I hate the next rule, it's still being enforced. Rule number twenty three: absolutely NO busting of the nuts in the house. Take it outside." Dahlia heard Willa snicker.

"Yes, Willa, I know you made that one out of spite for me. Anyway, rule number twenty four: Everyone in the household has a designated cooking night... Except for Jasper," Jay turned to said boy, who looked away in shame, "Jasper, three slices of processed ham on a plate is not a meal."

"But what if I-"

"No, not even if you cut them in half."

Dahlia rolled her eyes. This poor boy was a target tonight. She suddenly understood why he was forced to come down.

"Rule number twenty five," Jay was really getting into this, "Spencer has said that he's tired of walking into his house, the one at the end of the street, and finding various 'sketchy objects' strewn all over the place." Chey and Abby snickered, their hands covering their mouths. "As our landlord, we need to respect him. If you're going to put objects in his, and Joel's, if we're being completely honest, house, you need to make sure they aren't 'sketchy' looking."

"Are we just not going to listen to him? What if he goes to Pete?"

"Well, then we can blame it on the Bitches Across the Street™. Also, what did I say about questions?"

"You're fucked."

"That's right. Anyway, next rule. Rule number twenty six: On the subject of Petey, if he answers the door and asks for anyone, the correct answer is 'Never heard of them' and slamming the door in his face. He's a little bitch who shouldn't control our lives-"

"He's the Master Landlord-"

"-and therefore shouldn't be allowed to talk to any of us." Jay looked down at the piece of paper again, then folded it in half. "Alright, next rule," an audible sigh from the group, "hey, there's only two left, calm your dicks. Rule number twenty seven: to add off of rule number fourteen, which is to not touch my FUCKING food, anyone who DOES touch my food has to suck someone's dick. Or, to be more specific, my dick."

Ethan averted his eyes.

"Okay, last one. I realize this is more of an unspoken rule, however since Dahlia is new we have decided to add it to the list. Rule number twenty eight: to be a Tru Memeber of the House™, you must have reached ~Equilibrium~." Jay made a 'the more you know' rainbow with his hands. The group giggled, though Dahlia didn't find it amusing.

What the fuck was equilibrium?

"Um..." Dahlia regretted moving in.

"OKAY, that's it. No more rules. You are dismissed." No one moved. Jay stared at the group, unblinking, before: 

"GO GO GO!"

Holy FUCK.

**Author's Note:**

> HOT DAMN YOURE FINISHED YOU DONE IT


End file.
